My life is a fucking mess. Sitting here and looking at my surroundings is just an abysmal experience. There's a fucking bottle of sriracha and bottle of soy sauce with a long lost top sitting to my right. On the other side is my "desk trashcan", a repurposed pen holder dedicated to eliminating the shrapnel from my desk. Where does the shrapnel come from? Well, it comes from whatever thing I've decided to destroy simply for the sake of destroying. There's fucking dust everywhere, a prescription bottle, and a half drunk bottle of water from like three weeks ago. There's countless fucking rockstar can/bottle tops, because I've got a fucking issue with caffeine in moderation apparently. Broken bike parts, a half built gundam models from years ago. A tea cup. What the fuck is this shit, and why is it here? Why do I keep it here? What the fuck is wrong with my life that I allow myself to continue this fucking repugnant behavior. I just want to lie down and die, it seems like the quickest road to unfucking up the apparently permanent character flaws.

Whatever it's worth, I think that enjoying elements of your life while adhering to some aesthetic principals makes life worth living. When I made food tonight, I spent an enormous amount of time preparing and making a meal that was really really good.



-edited and published the day after-
I wrote this last night under the effects of endorphins from a good meal. I'm not finishing it because it's crap. I'm publishing it so that I can look back on this on this and it can serve as a monument to my stupidity.

I'm pretty sure that last post is a good illustration of why I can't have friends. Man, I really should paint a pretty picture with my head juices.

I don't know why it is that people feel they are entitled to have someone else listen to them bitch and moan. The irony here is that I'm bitching and moaning about it. I was playing league of legends, and this girl keeps pming me with her issues and does nothing about them. I was in a pretty foul mood to start the day anyways, but this set me off.  If someone is going to sit there, and just complain to you about some physical ailment, without taking any effort to deal with it, you should not feel obligated to listen to their complaining. The fact is that there are some simple things to deal with, and they have a very clear cut route from having a problem to having a solved problem. Even with physical health there are sometimes clear problems and solutions, if you have a cut that's bleeding super badly, deal with it. Disinfect that shit, bandage it, or go to a doctor if it's bad enough. If you have some personal issue with doctors, that's understandable, but the onus is on you to deal with it. I'm not going to sit there and just listen while you complain about blood flowing from your body, while you've done nothing about it. This is a basic fucking issue, and sitting there complaining to me about it is just pure pity bait, complaint does nothing but raise awareness of the problem. This is all extremely hypocritical, considering that all I do is complain and do relatively little to solve the major issues in my life. My complaining does not enlist or force another human being to sit there and read it. My complaining is not pity fishing, and I do not enjoy the company of those that do fish for pity. My complaining is restricted to this blog, which you are reading because you want to, or it is restricted to my friends who know that I would do the same for them. If you're a friend, I'll listen to you whine all day, and I'll try my hardest to help you, because you're a friend. Listening to other people complain and go on about their issues while being completely inactive in their solution is completely exhausting though, and conscripting a stranger to listen to your bullshit is insanely off putting. If you're just some random person on the internet that's does nothing but talk about your own issues, I have zero interest in becoming your friend or ever crossing that threshold that obligates me to tolerate your complaints. So, this girl, she messages me about how she has a cut, and she isn't sure if she needs stitches, and that she's doesn't like going to hospitals or doctors because she had was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. My initial reaction was graceless and without tact, I will admit. Basically I told her that, if it needs stitches, she should deal with it, and secondly, that I wasn't doing "this" any more. I figured it would be pretty obvious, as her pity baiting was pretty obvious, but apparently it wasn't. When pressed, I told her, "I don't play league to be empathetic, I do it to escape the shit in my life. If you have something that needs to be dealt with, deal with it. Either you have a cut that needs stitches, or it doesn't" I'm a little irritated by the whole incident still, and can't remember if I said anything else in my first major response but I wouldn't be surprised if I did, or if it was rude/offensive. It inspired the following response from her, paraphrasing somewhat roughly here, "Sorry for the shittiness in your life, being part of these games with you guys [I play with several people fairly frequently] has really improved my spirits and has helped me cope with the crappiness in my life. I don't have the energy to deal with someone who huffs and puffs about their problems and doesn't talk about them when asked further". Generally it was a fair response to a rude remark, but naturally, I decided to butcher the interaction and say that, "The difference between us is that I don't force my issues on others". What she said about the huffing and puffing pissed me the fuck off.. Mind you, this was in the beginning of a game, so when I came to the end of the game, I went to say that "Now that I'm out of a game, Here's what I've got to say about the huff and puff thing", to which I got a "I don't want to hear it", which got a "fair enough, that's the spirit". After this, I removed her from my contacts on league and on Skype, because I'm a child and no longer want to deal with her. Our initial interactions were ok, they didn't improve and I don't want to put in the time or effort she wants, so I don't feel too bad about removing her, especially as I was considering doing it already. I'm pretty sure I went wrong in not just shutting up, and walking away from my computer while she bitched and moaned to an empty chair, but that feels too dishonest. Maybe I was just feeling miserable and I was just lashing out, maybe I'm incompetent in friendships, or maybe I'm a woman-hater, I don't know why I reacted as strongly as I did, but I did. In any case, that's why I can't play League of Legends anymore.

shower

Earlier today, I decided to cook myself a dinner, complete with tea, cookies, fancy meat and fried lumpia. Somewhere in the process, I began to feel a deep melancholy. Packed up all the food stuff, put it in the fridge, and went to lie down in bed. I felt sick though, due to some kind of digestive pain. I tried to sleep, but couldn't, I was distracted by my own failure to be productive with the time. I decided to take a shower. Typically, the water doesn't take long to heat up, but I'll still sit on the toilet for a few minutes to scroll through reddit and be distracted. When I first got in, the water was way too hot, but it felt good anyways. After a cursory rinse, I sat down opposite the shower head, held my head on top of my knees and put my hands over my head. The water hit my left hand where I had burnt it earlier with some oil. It hurt like hell, but I kept my hands there. I could hear the water, but couldn't see it. Each drop that hit my shoulders could be heard, and I sat there, imagining each droplet to exploding into tiny fragments on impact. I sat there for what must have been ten minutes, my thoughts quieted by the sound of hundreds of tiny explosions. Still, I could feel an underlying dread of reality and an intense disgust at my own existence. I couldn't tell you why I felt such loathing, and couldn't understand the reasoning. It was still there though, barely detectable over the sound of the water slapping against my skin. The droplets were a high pitched whine, the sound of each impact being interrupted by another, never getting to end. At that final moment though, when the loathing subsides, I lean my head back. The droplets quiet down, and in an instant, my perspective opens up from from focusing on the space between my shoulders to the room I'm in. The droplets aren't that loud, and they're fairly pleasant, landing on my skin and warming it. Feeling the relatively cool air that exists outside of the shower's stream provides contrast, and I can appreciate the warmth rather than being stifled by it. I can breathe easily again, I take my burnt hands off my head, turn down the heat, and the relief is instantaneous. The burn tapers down to a slight sting, I take my soap, lather it up, and cover myself in it. It feels slick, until it's dissolved by the hot water, taking the dirt with it. Finally, cleanliness is achieved, and I can stop abusing California's water supply.

Life is pure misery. Here's psychocandy.

funpression

Just a few rambling ideas before sleep.

1) What if great artists are actually just addicts to their craft? Isn't anybody who aspires to greatness without this fundamental addiction to the craft itself just chasing dragons?

2) In Mobile Suit Gundam, Episode 17v2, courtesy of Zeonic Corps(What is this, piracy? I swear to god, I just found these episodes on a dvd in the street and didn't think they were pirated at first. when I found out, I immediately cut off all my fingers in shame, and turned the dvds into the nearest police station/stasi headquarters/RIAA gestapoverse/hail satan) about halfway through, the gouf's UI is visible, and it's terrible. It's just a jumble of flashing shapes. I am grateful for UIX designers and what they bring to the table. If I had to deal with the gouf's interface while being attacked by beam rifles, I really don't know what I'd do. All I'm saying is that it was a complete clusterfuck.

3) Yomigaeru! Yomigaeru! Yomigaeru Gandamu!

4) I fell asleep mid-rant last night, and you can see the glorious string of characters I left behind. The problem with that is that I didn't get the time to properly praise the virtues of fish sauce. It's salty, and it tastes good. It's super fucking good with some lime juice and chopped chilis. That's even better when you roast some garlic, shallots, and some motherfuckin tomatoes and throw them in there. If you were to chop up some cilantro and put it in, that shit would be totally out of control. Really, at this point you don't need to do much, but if you were to put that mixture on top of some properly seared steak that was cooked medium rare, I'd definitely have an erection.

5) Despite being at least 20 feet tall, when the original gundam is hiding behind a small hill, it somehow looks sneaky. Also, its facial expression is something. Kai also has a ridiculously large head in some shots.

6) I don't know what to do about my life, it seems that  many of the things I do are just miserable physical excercises that I don't care about. School is terrible, I don't know why I'm still there after all these years. I've spent way too much time there, and am pretty lame for doing so. If anyone else were to spend as much time in school as I have, they'd have a doctorate or something. I haven't even finished community college. I feel like everything I do there is just hopeless. I've got zero motivation, and can't look most of my classmates in the eye. I'm older than them, spent more time in school, and have less to show for it. Basically, I'm a dumbfuck.

7) Lady Kycilia is a jerk, and definitely a strange element to be considered when checking out the female characters with a feminist lens or whatever. She straight blew up a mining base, populated by her own people for the sake of her mission. Definitely throws a curveball on the assumption that all the female characters would be walking stereotypes, unless she's just a different type of stereotype, eeeeehhhh? eeeeeeeeehhhhhhhh?

8) This opening has it all, characters changing the direction they're facing, characters running in place, lensflare transitions, and some bitchin jazzy themes.